Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
