New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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