The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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