everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
