His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
