I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
