You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
