Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
