First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
