I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
