Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
