I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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