I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
