Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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