my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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