My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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