DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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