Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
