If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
