I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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