The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
