Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
