I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
