dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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