Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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