I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
