The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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