Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
