Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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