walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
