Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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