I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
