We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
