Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
