so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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