I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
