can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
