Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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