my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
