Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
