Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
