I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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