my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
