Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
