I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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