SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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