Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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