are you so shy because you have an std?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize