I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Boobs speak an international language.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
