life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
