I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
