I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
