Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
