someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
