i think my mom watched the whole time
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
