just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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