I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
