Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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