Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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