had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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