My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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