i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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