Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
