you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
