The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
